Two Pains In The Backseat
by RedAlert98
Summary: When Wally and Dick ride together in the car, it's not just one pain the back...it's two. Features Roy, Very funny, Rated T for safety
Roy driving with Wally and Dick in the backseat was a common occurence, but no drive was quite like the other. In the way that those two were little hellions, and pulled some sort of stupid crap every time. Occasionally it had it's entertainment value, but other times...

* * *

Roy cursed under his breath, the assault on his ears relentless. It was going on 20 minutes of this.

"NO! SLEEP! TILL BROOKLYN!" the two yelled energetically from the backseat for the thousandth time.

"For the last time, we're not even going to Brooklyn!" Roy exclaimed.

* * *

"I spy something...red."

"My shirt?"

"No."

"Your or Roy's hair?"

"No."

"The lights in the console?"

"No."

"Keychain?"

"No."

"That warning label?"

"No."

"Roy's temper?"

"Pfft dude, no."

"Stripe on your phone case?"

"No."

"That button?"

"No."

"The dial on the hot/cool air control,"

"No."

"Wally theres nothing else in here that's red."

"It was that bottle cap on the floor."

"...You cheater, I couldn't see that! That was totally cheating Roy tell him that was totally cheating."

Roy rolled his eyes. "It was totally cheating."

"Oh so now you're taking sides?" Wally accused.

* * *

"99 bottles of pop on the wall -" two voices chorused, but were cut off...

"I'm gonna kill you guys."

* * *

"I have to go to the bathroom," Wally complained.

"Why didn't you use the bathroom when we stopped ten minutes ago?!" Roy exclaimed.

"I didn't have to go then!"

* * *

"Wally, you're gonna lose it."

"No I'm not shut up."

"Hey Roy, look at what this moron is -"

"SH!T, PULL OVER I DROPPED MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW, STOP THE CAR GO BACK, MY PHONE!"

* * *

"Hey Roy, lemme drive!" Wally told him. Roy snorted, and wasn't sure if he was serious or not.

"Over my dead body."

Dick gave Roy an amused look. "Is that a challenge?"

* * *

"On one, two three GO!" Dick said, and suddenly there was a bunch of kicking, flailing, and exclamations in the backseat. After ten seconds, someone kicked Roy in the ear on accident.

"Hey!" he shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Tickle fight with no hands!" Wally exclaimed, digging his heel into Dick's ribs, to much laughing and protest.

* * *

"Da, da da daa, da daaaa daaaaa da da da da da daaaaaa - daaa da da daaa da daaaaaa da daaaa da daaaaa da da daaa da daaaaaa!"

"Would you two shut up, you can't sing the Harry Potter theme!"

Apparetly this was taken as a challenge.

"DA, DA DA DAAAA, DA DUUUUUUN DUNNNNNNN!"

* * *

Roy impatiently tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the red light to turn green. In the back, Wally rolled down his window.

"HEY!" he shouted to a girl on the crosswalk, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?!"

"ARE YOU RICH?" she shouted back.

"NO, BUT MY BEST FRIEND IS!"

Roy was extremely relieved when the light turned green, and this conversation was cut off before it went any further.

"I'm gonna be your best man right," Dick needled at Wally, who smacked him.

* * *

"Roy, Dick, and Wally ride in boring silence, with only the narration of one passenger to keep them entertained," Dick said, narrating the drive in third person, "The trio had contemplated stopping for food, but Roy insisted that they don't stop until noon, a decision met with profuse complaining and whining from the second redhead in the car."

"Hey!" Wally protested, but Dick continued on.

"They passed many cars and fields, noticing the day slip slowly by as the passengers in the backseat starved, due to the callous actions of the person behind the wheel."

"Give it a rest, Dick, it's 30 more minutes," Roy told him, annoyed.

"Roy told Dick to give it a rest; Dick sighed morosely, and decided that he wasn't going to let it rest at the moment. He wondered what they would eat when they finally stopped; if they were still alive, that is. Perhaps tacos? Panda Express? Pizza? Maybe Subway. Whatever they stopped for, Dick was positive that he would be bullied into paying."

"For the love of -"

* * *

"THIS IS HOW WE DO, YA, CHILLIN, LAID BACK STRAIGHT STUNTIN YA WE DO IT LIKE THAT, THIS IS HOW WE DO, DO DO DO DO, THIS IS HOW WE DO!"

"Really, you guys?! Really."

* * *

"I'm carsick," Dick complained.

"The car isn't even moving, we're parked," Roy tonelessly stated.

"Ya. but I'm sick of being in the car."

"Then what does that make being homesick?"

"...Shut up."

* * *

"Have I seen you somewhere before?" The lady in the drive thru window asked Roy, handing him the drinks.

Dick's eyes widened at a golden opportunity.

"You probably saw his mugshot on the news!"

* * *

"Hey Roy, wouldn't it be cool if you adopted both of us?"

"Oh hell no."

* * *

The silence in the backseat had Roy suspicious for the first 20 minues before he was lulled into a false sense of security.

He was just starting to relax and enjoy the drive when...

"PPPPHHHHNNNTTTTTTNNNNNNAAJJA!", the ear splitting sound of an elephant trumpeting right behind him had him yelling, "You little sh!t!"

* * *

"Hey, let's play Jello." Wally said to Dick.

"No, I wanna play Have You Ever."

"How about 20 questions?"

"Or Would You Rather?"

"We could play Is This Natalie Portman Or Keira Knightly,"

"Nah."

"How about the silent game?" Roy suggested.

"You're hilarious when you make jokes, Roy," Dick told him, then said to Wally, "Oh, I know! Pick-Up Story, where we take turns telling a made up story. I'll go first: Once upon a time there was a really average guy that was so uninteresting his name isn't even important enough to mention in the story. Your turn."

"So," Wally picked up, "One day this average guy tried to flirt with a girl but failed so miserably that he literally died dead of embarrassment the end."

"Wally you can't just kill the character off on your first turn!"

* * *

"My foot fell asleep..." Dick whined, and thumping noises in quick succession could be heard in the back.

* * *

Dick and Wally were both hunched over one of their phones. "Huh," Wally said jovially, "What a wonderful recipe!"

* * *

"So I'm think of taking a little bit off the sides, but don't want to do too much cause then it'd look too preppy," Dick was telling Wally, who was listening intently and nodding along.

"Ya, I agree," the redhead said, "And maybe a tiny bit on the bangs too, but just so it stays out of your eyes while still having that ruffled look."

* * *

"Oh is that a cop?" Wally asked.

"I'm not falling for that again guys," Roy irritably replied.

"Roy seriously though that's a cop," Dick insisted.

"Do I look like an idiot? I'm not doing this again, you think I'm really gonna fall for this a third time...are those sirens behind us? Sh!t thats a cop."

* * *

"Are we THERE yet?" Dick asked again.

"I swear I'm gonna turn the heat on full blast back there if you ask me again," Roy threatened.

Dick let this sink in for a second, then sang the line, "Talk dirty to me," at which Wally took as his cue beatbox the saxophone riff.

"You guys are SUCH IDIOTS" Roy shouted over the impromptu acappella session.

* * *

"Oh, hang on my phone is ringing be quiet!" Dick exclaimed, digging in his pockets and pulling the device out. Taking the call, he answered it with, "Lucifer's Cage, what the hell do you want?"

* * *

"Hey - give that back!" Dick exclaimed to Wally. Roy looked in the rearview mirror to see them scuffling around.

"Say you're sorry!" Wally taunted, amused.

"Give it back you jerk!"

"Say you're sorry, and that I'm a wonderful person!"

"I'm gonna break your fingers to get your hand open and take it if you don't give it back!"

"Say you're sorry, I'm a wonderful person, and that you love me to much to ever lay a harsh hand on me."

"...You ass."

"Okay, all that but add a pretty please with a cherry on top."

"Wally, I swear - "

"Ya, a lot actually."

"Roy!" Dick yelled, "Tell him to give it back!"

"Do I need to separate you two?!"

* * *

Wally was smugly riding shotgun, and Dick was pouting in the back...but not for long. Taking out a stick of window paint, he wrote 'Just Married' on the back window, then ducked out of sight so that passing cars would only see 'Just Married', with Roy and Wally in the front seat.

* * *

"You slapped my sunburn on purpose!" Wally accused.

"No I didnt!"

"You totally did!

...

"Don't touch me."

"I'm not touching you."

"You - you're touching me."

"No, I'm not."

"No right there, you just now touched me."

"You MADE me touch you."

"This, this is YOUR side, stay on your side,"

"Hey!"

As a scuffle broke out in the back, Roy swatted at them, hoping to make contact, all the while keeping his eyes on the rode.

"Hey, no biting!"

"ROY!"

* * *

Sorry about the swearing, but it's Roy XD

So I've booked all your flights for the crazy plane (Yours Truly is piloting), any last minute stragglers?

We take off in 3,

2,

1,


End file.
